Metroid: Zero Missions At All
by Moiderah
Summary: As it turns out, being raised by birds doesn't help your social skills. A series of short comedy snippets.
1. Parking Trouble

It was a groggy Monday morning, and _nobody_in the capital seemed happy to wake up. Even today, in a world of unparalleled advances in technology, space travel, and energy generation, there was a constant, burning, unrelenting _hatred_of the first workday of the week.

And it was on this day, that a certain ship lot captain proved just how miserable he was. "So...uh...your name is...?"

"Aran. Samus." The woman on the screen in front of him said, tersely. "I came to park my ship."

"Uh...huh." He leaned over to take a look at the ship, then at her. "...You sure you want to park it?"

"I'm completely sure." Samus said, tersely.

"...Uh..." His hesitation wasn't unfounded. The ship itself, hovering right in front of him, had several damaged engines. One of them was smoking, another was sputtering, and the other had stopped smoking and was now _on fire._The windows in front were cracked, with one of them downright shattered completely. The entry portal on top was damaged, and as soon as he looked at it, it exploded with a flash of blue light. "...This thing isn't spaceworthy. Are you sure that you want to park it?"

"The ship can repair itself." Samus said.

He looked at it, then at her. "Uh...lady, that thing is about to explode. Unless you have, like, nanotech-"

"I do. Let me park the ship."

The man raised an eyebrow. "...I don't believe you."

"Well, that _is_the case." Samus tapped her finger on her dashboard. "Let me park my _ship."  
_  
"If that thing explodes, we're liable to get sued if any of the other ships are damaged. There are plenty of really expensive things in here-"

"They're just _things._Let me _park_my _ship."  
_  
"Look, lady, I don't _care_who you think you are-"

"I know what I am." Samus interrupted. "What I _am_is 'irritated'. _Let. Me. Park. My. Ship."  
_  
"I am _not_going to _let_you park your _ship_in here, when it could _explode-"  
_  
"It has _nanites._It can _repair itself._My ship is _Chozo-made._Let me _park my ship."  
_  
"Don't you have some other place to park i-" She charged past the booth, and as soon as a barrier appeared in front, Samus simply _charged_through it. The solid light construct _shattered_on impact, as Samus rushed through the parking area and to an empty space.

The parking guard just stared at her in shock, before he quickly dialed something. "S-sir!"

His boss turned to look at him on the screen. "What is it?"

"I denied access to someone, and she just _blasted_right through the thing! Her ship is a hazard to everyone-!"

"Who is this woman?"

"Uh...Aran, I think." The man said.

His boss paused, before he brought a hand to his face and pinched his nose as tightly as he could. "...Oh."

"Uh...do you know this person?"

"...Samus is a very, _very_illustrious bounty hunter." He took a deep breath and sighed. "...What, couldn't you have just looked this up on Google?"

"I...uh...I could have." He shook his head. "But her ship was about to explode!"

"Not really." The man sighed. "...repairs itself. Has nanotech."

"Wait, she wasn't _lying?!"  
_  
"Yup. And not only that, she's untouchable." The older man flicked the lip of his hat up. "...I do hope you have good speaking skills. The Galactic Federation might have a few questions to ask you later."

"W-wait, _what?!"  
_  
"You may or may not have pissed off one of their greatest assets."

And with that, the parking guard's day just became a whole lot worse.


	2. SAPKBHWIAB Part 1

Samus crossed her arms as she tapped something on the back of her hand, and let her zero suit vanish. She took a deep, relaxed breath before she got dressed in what she deemed was casual dress. "Adequate." She said, simply.

As soon as she did, one of the supports holding the ship off of the ground collapsed, causing the entire thing to fall to the ground. She stumbled briefly in surprise, before she shook her head and just climbed out as she normally would.

"...Perhaps ramming that ship was a bad decision." She murmured.

She stumbled into a nearby walkway, before righting herself and just walking forwards. The city itself stretched far before her, with skyscrapers piercing the clouds above. She let out a low, calm breath, as wind blew across the pathway. People walked by her, some smoking, some with their hands in their pockets, some downright drunk...

She paused. "I haven't had alcohol in a while." 

**[So a Planet-Killing Bounty Hunter Walks Into A Bar...]**

Samus Aran arrived at a nearby bar, and as soon as she did she heard the noise. Dozens of people on multiple levels scrambled across hardwood floors. The sound of shouting, screaming, and more shouting could be heard through the steel doors, and as soon as it opened she caught a faceful of noise,_noise, __**noise. **_She waved a hand in front of her face idly, before she just walked through the place, slightly hunched over.

She reached a bar stool, and as soon as she did, the bartender looked up at her. "Whoa...you're _tall _for a lady." He murmured.

"Irrelevant." Samus said, simply. "I'd like a full-sized keg of Vodka."

The man raised an eyebrow. "...Uh...huh." He looked her up and down. "...You know, I honestly don't think you have the gut for it-"

"You. Keg. Vodka. Mouth. Throat. Stomach. _Now."  
_  
"Wait, you're serious?" The man asked.

"I am asking for _vodka." _Samus said, simply. "It isn't so complex a task that it requires you to do mental gymnastics to do."

The man sighed. "You don't need to be _condescending _about it."

She looked confused for a second. "It really isn't a hard task."

"Yeah, whatever." He said, before he took an empty keg and _slammed _it on the floor. It bounced once, before he took a nearby bottle of cheap vodka and poured it in. As he did, Samus simply stared, with her chin supported by two hands. He rolled his eyes once, before popping the cap off of another one and pouring it in. He poured another, then another, then _another. _He looked at Samus once as soon as the barrel was halfway full, only to watch her look at the barrel, then at him, before she motioned to have him keep going.

Eventually, the damn thing was filled to the brim. In a motion that would impress most weightlifters, the bartender slowly picked the barrel up, with the machinery in his arms whining as he did so. He _slammed _the keg onto the table, immediately alerting everyone in the bar to the massive fucking keg in front of him.

Tired and weary, he waved his hand to Samus's face. "That..._fuck..._will be four-hundred fifteen-" He was answered by a card sliding onto the tabletop. "...ceds?"

"It's on the card." Samus said, before she quickly _grabbed _the keg by the handles. She stumbled backwards with the entire bar watching, before she_tilted _the keg upwards, brought the front end to her mouth, and proceeded to _rip _the cap off with her teeth. There was a loud splashing sound as a torrent of cheap vodka went straight to her face, before she quickly opened her mouth and started _chugging _it.

Nobody said a word as Samus Aran, destroyer of worlds, chugged a full keg of cheap, shitty vodka.

[=]

A/N: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG


End file.
